In the 5 hours we've been awake, Brooks has stopped crying for 30 minutes. That's not 30 minutes straight. No. That's a collective 30 minutes. 5 minutes here. 7 there. This has been his story for the majority of his life. We've had test after test run to rule out medical reasons for his incessant tears, but they've all come back negative. So I endure the tears, doing all I can to eliminate them, which honestly, makes me feel like a slave to my one year old.
This morning, as I paced the house trying to calm him down, I found myself in a dark place. I can't handle the crying. I'm already prone to anxiety and I'm still reeling in the postpartum hormones.
I haven't mentioned it much on this space (because who wants to hear about that), but I've had many dark days over the last year. I've sought help through midwives, my friends, my husband, our pastors. My support system is strong, and this morning, as I fight another surge of emotions, God broke into my world and reminded me how strong he is. And how in control he is over this situation. So I sat down on the floor, with my wailing one year old, and we sobbed. I cried out, asking God to make Brooks stop crying like I have so many times before, and we continued to cry lots and lots of ugly tears.
Brooks never stopped crying. In fact, he's still crying in his crib. But as I rose from that defeated spot on the floor, I felt stronger. Because in my weakness God became bigger. He met me in those tears by increasing my faith and reminding me that there's purpose in everything. He can make Brooks stop crying. he's not. But he can. And he's good. His promise to work ALL things for his glory and my good ring true and by believing this promise I can look at this maddening situation and know he's with me and he cares.
"He is in the wanting and the asking.
He is in the waiting and the receiving.
He is in the mourning and the dancing.
Our God is in and before and beyond it all." (She Reads Truth)
I'm sure today will continue to be hard. I'll pray otherwise, and we'll do all we can to combat the tears, but something tells me the point isn't in his answer.
If you find yourself in a similar place of wanting or need, know there's a mighty Creator who may or may not answer you in the way you'd like, but his presence will overwhelm you in the best way and that's pretty life-giving.
And if he doesn't answer you, there's a GOOD reason for it.