Lately, I've found myself in a whirlwind. There is so much taking place in my mind and heart, which makes it difficult to process.
So I'm going to write.
Now, please realize I'm about to emotionally vomit. This means my chances of incoherency and horrific grammar increase significantly. Yes, it can get worse than it already is.
Let me start with the election. I have political convictions. I enjoy politics. What I don't enjoy is the arrogant posture of those who are determined they're right. I realize opinions are held because one believes them to be true, so I'm not saying we need to be"loosey-goosey" on our postions. I'm just wondering if there's a way to have an opinion without questioning the "other side's" intelligence. Democracy is beautiful and something to be treasured; without options there'd be no democracy. So make your stance known. State facts. But for goodness sake leave out comments like: "The choice is clear." "How could someone be a democrat/republican." And please, please, please leave out all name calling- it's embarrassing.
If you'd like a reminder on how beautiful democracy is read here.
Every day there's pressure to think, be, and do what 1,000 different voices tell us to. We should vote a certain way, workout, breastfeed, homeschool, attend bible studies, make a certain amount of money, keep a clean house, pamper ourselves even if we can't afford it, go to college, read best sellers, live in "this" neighborhood, visit relatives, send our kids to college, eat organic, don't use plastic, vaccinate the kids, have a 401K, make the wife stay home, limit cartoons, procreate until our uterus' fall out....the list goes on. and on. and on. and on. and on. and on......
At my baseline I'm a people pleaser so these voices are taken to heart.
every. single. one. of. them.
It wasn't until I started getting sick (stomach flare ups) that I realized how much I was led by these voices. I'd become stressed out about getting the bathrooms scrubbed, cleaning my car out, listening to campaign updates, and doing "school" with Bray when I knew I should've been resting and using what energy I had to nurture my family. I couldn't let it go, in fear that someone would find out or coin me as lazy... Now, obviously, these tasks are necessary and even important. My problem wasn't in the activity, it was in the way I was using the accomplishments to define who I am. In other words, what I wanted people to believe about me - that I'm clean and organized or one who values education... Thankfully, in the midst of my struggle, God has given me resources that have exposed these deceptive voices, one's I'd made into idols, and has reminded me that I don't bow down to people or philosophies, I bow down to him.
Here are a couple ways God has spoken truth to my needy heart:
Sermon from church
These podcasts (there are 3)
Oh Braydon. Never did I think I'd meet my match in you.
Lately, you've been extra naughty. You've tested new boundaries and have reached new heights with your manipulative requests. For example:
Bray: "Mom, do you love?"
Me: "Why, yes Braydon, I love you lots."
Bray: "Then get me a yogurt drink."
I'm in turmoil over the response I should give after one of your naughty endeavors. I don't want to constantly be saying that you're being bad or good, because it could create weird definitions (or so I've heard), and I'd rather go after your heart. I've briefly been exposed to the book, "Give them Grace," but only enough to confuse me. Maybe that should be my next read?
You've also become quite the yeller. As you've continued to grow, so has your voice and energy levels. I'm constantly telling you to use an inside voice or putting you in time out for jumping from one piece of furniture to the next. This energy slightly frightens me as cooler temperatures give way. I have no clue how to burn the energy of a 3 year old in a small house. Pray for me.
I hope my ponderings and struggles prove to my children that life isn't always black and white. We try the best we can and make decisions based off what we know today. Mistakes will be made, but there's beauty in the journey.
Oh, and God bless our troops. Or something like that.